Coming Out (I’m Gay) Why Should I Have to Explain

Ever since I can remember, I’ve always had to explain my being “gay” or “lesbian”.  If you have friends, then they want to know “Why didn’t you tell me” they asked?  I never had to ask them if they were straight.  No one ask a straight person that. They look at you like your taboo. No wonder coming out is so hard for some of us.  I don’t feel I owe anyone an explanation about my sexuality.

I was in my twenties when I first came out.  I remember going out to my first gay club, it was ladies night. I walked in and my eyes just lit up. There was loud music, flashing lights but mostly, women.  “Wow”, I thought, I’ve never seen so many women.  I felt alive and excited.  I’ve been to going to straight clubs for years, but this was different.  There were no men.  Women were everywhere.  They were dancing, laughing, flirting with each other and just having a ball. No more sitting around waiting for a man to ask me to dance. No more feeling like I was out of place. This is where I belong.

After going out for a while, I met this girl I’ll call her Lanett at one of the clubs.  She was a girl that had been going to that club for some time. She was with two of her friends who were trying to talk to me, but I was interested in them. I wanted to meet her.  One of her friends told me don’t mess with her she was crazy.  I was just coming out so I didn’t believe them at the time. That night we spent driving around talking and getting to know each other.

It had been a few days later I came home from work and I walked through the door and to my surprise, Lanett was sitting on the couch.  I still lived home at the time with my parents and sister. Well there she was sitting there next to my sister along with my mother who was sitting at the table.  My heart sank.  My mother knew I was had been going out to gay clubs with my sister who was bisexual and now she sees this girl sitting here.  She wasn’t stupid.  They both gave me this very uncomfortable look.  I sat there thinking, what in the world was she doing here and how did she know where I lived? What the hell?  I was so angry but I couldn’t show it.  I quickly told them she was a friend and hurried up out of there.

After telling Lanett off, I drove home trying to figure out what I was going to tell my mother. When I got home, my mother was still sitting there waiting for me. I didn’t know what she talked about with this Lanette, but I knew she knew from the look on her face she knew.  I sat down trying to prepare myself for what she was going to say next.  She said, “You know that’s wrong don’t you?” I said “I know according to the Bible it’s wrong”.  And that was it. I never heard anything else about it.  You know I never knew how she would react to it; I guess I was so busy getting used to it myself.  I knew I would have to tell her eventually, but this wasn’t how I expected.  She didn’t put me out or anything or threaten me in any way; she just left it at that.  Now when my mother told my father he didn’t like it. He said I should have married this guy I dated back in the day. Well like a lot of females, I dated guys as a cover. I had no deep feelings for him and I had no intention on marrying that guy.  Life went on pretty normal after that.  She still loved me and that’s what mattered to me the most.

“I’m gay. Those two words are sometimes the hardest to say.  Why are these two words so important for people to know?  The fear of pain and rejection from the people we love.  People come out in different ways.  For me, the coming out wasn’t the hardest part, it was telling my parents.  You know the bad part about it, I had a brother and sisters and they never had to explain that they were straight, so why did I have to? This I felt wasn’t at all fair.

There’s always someone in our lives that we fear of telling, because these people are the most important people to you that you care about what they are going to say or how they are going to feel.  These are the people we want their acceptance.  The coming out to other people didn’t matter.  Even my brother and sisters knowing didn’t matter but my parents; I didn’t want them to be hurt and feel ashamed of me.

My situation wasn’t as bad as other gay friends around me; others were going through some real bad situations. I was glad to have a mother that didn’t condone, but she accepted me.

 

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What’s Year’s Got to Do With It?

I remember spending several years single and playing the field.  At first this was fun and exciting but after some time, I felt I was missing something or someone.  I started to look around me and I noticed the friends I was hanging with were hooked up with someone. We didn’t hang out as much. I began to feel like a third wheel. They all seemed happy.  For once in my life, I felt lonely. I was tired of coming home along after going out. I wanted someone to call my own. I was ready to settle down so I set out looking for that special person.

I finally found that special person, so I thought. At first it was love and bliss. We were so in love, we spent every minute we could together. What made it so bad; I fell for her and hard. There began a twenty year relationship.

We ended up moving together after a few months. This was a big mistake. About 2 years into the relationship tragedy struck.  She left me for another woman. My heart had never felt so much pain.  I had been hurt before, but this was brutal.  I thought I had met my so-called “soul mate”.  Yeah right, some soul mate.  Over the next few years, she put me through one heart break after another.  Through the years, I found myself becoming stronger and stronger.  I gave everything in this relationship, my love, commitment, money most of all, all that time I put into it.  For years I hung in there. I watched the kids grow up; I worked at a job for years helping support them.  I watched grand kids grow up.  Wow, how time flies by.  You don’t realize it, until you find yourself standing there wondering, what am I doing here? How did I stay so long in a relationship that’s been full of chaos and drama?  Stay with a woman who was sometimes so cold and selfish?  We weren’t even compatible.  We spent most of our days in silence.  It was as though everything was routine, nothing exciting.  We really had no connection.  And to think, I wanted to marry this woman so, I thought.

One day after we were on our nineteenth year, I had to stop and ask myself some serious questions.  Is this woman the one for me or have I just been forcing myself to be with her?  I mean really, we had nothing in common.  Almost every time we we’d break up, she would leave me and go to some other woman.

Twenty years, a long time to be with someone.  The time had just rolled right by.  Finally I said to myself, either stay in this relationship and try to make it work, or let go.  At that point I realized that the years we spent meant nothing. They were just years.  We argued all the time.

I realized all those years that I was the one doing most of the giving and I wasn’t getting the same. Sometimes that’s the case in relationships.  Now it was my choice to stay in this relationship. At the time, I didn’t want to give up on my relationship so the years just kept going by and here we were still together.  It never got better always worst.  I had to ask myself, what I was getting out of this but years of just existing with her.  If I left now, what would happen?  Could I Live without her?  Would it lead to her being in the arms of someone else?  Would she hate me?  I had a lot of questions but the main question I had, was I happy? There was really no connection, no compatibility.

Sometimes we just look at the years we have with a person. We have that feeling of having wasted so much time with someone. But that doesn’t matter, what matters is now.

What would happen if I leave?  What would happen if I stayed? I realized it was all up to me.  I finally decided that this was it.  I knew things would not change so why stay?  Just to add more years of pain and chaos. I decided that I wasn’t going to waste another year of my life trying.  What could I lose by breaking away and starting a new life? Yes I was older and the years had weighed on me, but my life is not over so neither am I.  I knew she would continue if I did, so it was time for me to make that decision.  So I left, after twenty years.

We have been apart for several years now.  Do I regret it?  No I don’t regret it.   It has made me stronger and wiser when making decisions in my other relationships.

The years are just years. I have learned a lot about myself and how I would treat my new mate.  I have learned to be more patient, self-controlled, and understanding.  I have also learned how I wanted to be treated by my mate.  So don’t get caught in the years.  I chalk them up as a learning experience, a long one.

We Are Feminine, We Are Stud, We Are Women

We are feminine, we are stud, and we are women. Yes, we come in all shapes, color, sizes, with all different backgrounds. We have existed throughout the years, maybe in the shadows or in the (closet). However, we were always there. Today we are more “out” then ever. Women are no longer afraid to show themselves, wear what they want to, and just be themselves. We’ve come out. Not afraid to express ourselves.